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WORLDS WORST JOBS (1,2,3)

Series of filmed pieces

[ 1 ]

*****(non-descript, cold interview room; dimly lit almost police interrogation-ish. A man and a scientist sit at the table)*****

 

MAN: Soft, I guess.

LAB COAT: (scribbles some notes; pause; stares at MAN) Soft... how soft?

MAN: I guess I'd say... kinda soft.

LAB COAT: That's not an option. If you were to give it a number, between 1 and 10 - where 10 is extremely soft and 1 is extremely not soft - what number would you give it?

MAN: What number? Gosh...

LAB COAT: Take your time.

MAN: Maybe a... 5?

LAB COAT: (scribbles notes) How else would you describe it?

MAN: How else? I guess... it was brown.

LAB COAT:Brown. (scribbles)

MAN: And...maybe green?

LAB COAT:Maybe? (scribbles)

MAN: Half and half, I guess.

LAB COAT:Okay (scribbles) I think that does it for today. Just turn in your samples with Margaret and Phil at the front desk on the way out.

MAN: (starts to leave, pauses, turns around) You went to a lot of school to do this, right? A lot of training?

LAB COAT:Yes. (scribbles)

MAN: To test stool softeners? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's God's work but... I mean I kind of have these same conversations with my cat.

LAB COAT:(blank stare)

MAN: I guess what I'm asking is: where did it go wrong?

LAB COAT:Life's just shitty, I guess.

 

 

[ 2 ]

*****(three advertisers and two clients are gathered around conference table)*****

 

ADVERTISER 1: How about - "We put a smile on your face."

CLIENT 1:I don't think it would be wise to promise smiles.

CLIENT 2:Our internal polling shows 74% of our customers find smiles disconcerting.

ADVERTISER 2: Not a problem. We have a few more.

ADVERTISER 3: Our next slogan - "We're comfortable outside the box!""

CLIENT 1:I don't know, it seems like it could be confusing.

CLIENT 2:Only about 19% opt-in. About 70% of our customers prefer 'inside the box'.

ADVERTISER 3: And the other 1%?

CLIENT 2:They selected "Surprise me."

ADVERTISER 3: Well, our final slogan - "Because it's hard to stop a train."

CLIENT 1:(Looks at Client 2) I think that's the one.

CLIENT 2:It's certainly hard to argue with.

CLIENT 1:I'm sold. Solomon Family Funeral Services would be proud to rebrand with you.

 

 

[ 3 ]

*****(table with white tablecloth, mood music and lighting fill the room, close up on a man's hands as he picks up silverware)*****

 

MAN: (pokes and prods something with utensils on a plate just off camera)

WOMAN:(picks up tape recorder, places in center of table, clicks 'record' button) Quality Control Test - subject 50377FF-998, inspected by Number 88.

MAN: And inspected by Number 113.

WOMAN:We eat with our eyes first and the appearance is nice.

MAN: Moist. Luscious.

WOMAN:(cutting something with utensils).

MAN: No apparent bones or gristle.

WOMAN:(picks up sample, rubs it between fingers)

MAN: (rubs between palms, dramatically waves in front of face / nose)

WOMAN:(rubs sample on teeth with mouth closed, like a drug)

MAN: Is that... oregano?

WOMAN:Sage, thyme and red banana, maybe?

MAN: The salmon flavor is certainly dominant...

WOMAN:Yes, but not too fishy.

MAN: I think I'm ready to make my assessment. You?

WOMAN:Yes. I give Feline Foodie product four and a half out of five paws.

MAN: And I give it four paws out of five. I find it lives up to the other members of the Purrfect Portions line.

 

 

McBRIDE BROTHERS © 2000 Meeker and Co. Productions