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TELEPATHIC MAN [original]

transcribed: Nov. 4, 2000 by Elenerenerex@yahoo.com

*****(TV Talkshow setting with neon RUPERT flashing behind)*****

STAN POLLEY: Hello and welcome to 'Rupert'. I'm your host Stan Polley for whom the show is named. Today we are going to dive right into our show for it is so interesting. We have John Davis here the one and only telepathic man. So John come on out.

TELEPATHIC MAN: Hello, I'm doing great thank you.

STAN POLLEY: Hello how are you today?

TELEPATHIC MAN: I'm John Davis, the telopathic man.

STAN POLLEY: Could you please introduce your self to the audience?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Okay.

STAN POLLEY: Lets get down to business.

TELEPATHIC MAN: I think I've really known since I was eight years old.

STAN POLLEY: How long have you been telopathic?

TELEPATHIC MAN: I was walking through the halls after school one day looking for trouble and avoiding teachers when I heard or felt someone calling for help. I looked around and...

STAN POLLEY: Yes, yes, I'm sure thats all very nice. However Mr. Davis we've got a strict time schedule here. Lets get down to what everyone wants to know: how did you find out that you were telopathic?

TELEPATHIC MAN: I realize that you have other things on your mind besides this interview, none of which are very appropriate, but could you try to shift just a tiny portion; just the most minescule part of your consciousness toward concentrating on this?!? And please tone down your thoughts just a little before I'm forced to tell Jenifer and Melissa. I'm already telling your wife and Uncle Joe.

STAN POLLEY: You look a bit agitated, John. Is there anything you want to get off your chest?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Sorry about that little out burst.

STAN POLLEY: That was quite shocking.

TELEPATHIC MAN: Wait 'til you see my sword its huge!

STAN POLLEY: I understand you collect medieval weaponry, John. When we come back, we'll bring some of it out on our show.

TELEPATHIC MAN: We'll be right back after a message from our sponsors.

STAN POLLEY: John, tell the audience that we'll be right back

TELEPATHIC MAN: Actually it dates back to the early fourteenth century.

(COMMERCIAL)

STAN POLLEY: Hello everybody, I'm Stan Polley. We're back with John Davis the Telopathic man. Besides being telopathic, John has a very extensive collection of medieval arms and armor. Right now, he is displaying some of his rarer weapons. John this dagger is quite old is it not?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Yes thats true.

STAN POLLEY: In fact, it was once used by King George III.

TELEPATHIC MAN: What are you getting at?

STAN POLLEY: Have any other notable people used it?

TELEPATHIC MAN: I find that to be rather intrusive, but if thats the way you people do things...

STAN POLLEY: Just trying to make small talk. That is my job you know.

TELEPATHIC MAN: Thats fine, but I must remind you of our agreement that I have full censor rights.

STAN POLLEY: Well this is going nowhere quickly, so lets move on to the more hard hitting questions; the things the people really want to know.

TELEPATHIC MAN: Of course not.

STAN POLLEY: Have you ever expiremented with illegal drugs?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Coke.

STAN POLLEY: Whats your favorite soft-drink?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Sosa.

STAN POLLEY: Um... no thats soda. Anyway, who do you think will be the homerun leader this season?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Big Mac's good, but not the appeal that it used to have.

STAN POLLEY: Do you like the Big Mac or Whopper?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Never thats revolting!

STAN POLLEY: We've dug out a question from the archives: did you have any sort of sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Only the occasional cigar.

STAN POLLEY: Um... do you smoke?

TELEPATHIC MAN: All the time. It's great.

STAN POLLEY: Do you ever watch the Teletubbies TV show?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Well I don't do it often. Its a revolting habbit.

STAN POLLEY: Getting back to the other question... what else do you smoke?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Mary Jane.

STAN POLLEY: What was the name of your first girlfriend?

TELEPATHIC MAN: I never had one.

STAN POLLEY: I'm so sorry. What was your favorite pet?

TELEPATHIC MAN: We'll be right back.

STAN POLLEY: This is beginning to get strange. Lets take a short break and then we'll be back asking these intrusive questions.

TELEPATHIC MAN: I honestly don't know why I'm here.

(COMMERCIAL)

STAN POLLEY: Hello again. This is Rupert Hereria back with the Telopathic Man; John Davis, who is our guest today. John, do you have anything or an event to promote?

TELEPATHIC MAN: I don't really like writing

STAN POLLEY: Don't you have a book or a show?

TELEPATHIC MAN: No not really.

STAN POLLEY: Anything?

TELEPATHIC MAN: No I have no idea.

STAN POLLEY: You don't know why the producers brought you on this show?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Hey it works for Springer!

STAN POLLEY: I guess we could fight or something,

TELEPATHIC MAN: I agree.

STAN POLLEY: Wow. This is going nowhere.

TELEPATHIC MAN: I've noticed.

STAN POLLEY: This is sure hard without the teloprompter. The damn thing broke down during the commercial.

TELEPATHIC MAN: Wasn't that you?

STAN POLLEY: Some idiot back there spilled pop all over it... it completely fried the wiring. I guess this adds a little spontaneity, although it seems pretty boring.

TELEPATHIC MAN: Great.

STAN POLLEY: Wait they've got cue cards now for me to read from. Its time for some more inane questioning.

TELEPATHIC MAN: Of course. I prefer golden retrievers.

STAN POLLEY: Do you like animals?

TELEPATHIC MAN: I like all kinds, but my favorites are with mustard and onions.

STAN POLLEY: How do you like hamburgers?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Hard.

STAN POLLEY: How do you eat your eggs?

TELEPATHIC MAN: I love the Byrds.

STAN POLLEY: What type of music do you listen to?

TELEPATHIC MAN: Satan-worshiping.

STAN POLLEY: What practice offends you the most?

TELEPATHIC MAN: I think he's saying go to a break.

STAN POLLEY: It looks as if our producer is choking himself to death or something... hes running his funger across his thoat... maybe a vocal massaging.

TELEPATHIC MAN: Just say that we'll be right back after these commercials.

STAN POLLEY: I think hes saying go to break.

TELEPATHIC MAN: I think its time for me to go.

STAN POLLEY: Next up after this break the group with their breakthrough number one single, Cracked Egg is here everybody.

TELEPATHIC MAN: I know I would.

STAN POLLEY: Man I hate this job.

 

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