transcribed: Apr. 11, 2001 by firstname.lastname@example.org
****(basic HSN setup)****
RUSTY: And I said to the Urologyst I left those in my other pants.... Oh hi folks.
BOB: We'll be back to the movie of the week 'Edward the Rhinocerous and his travels through Sarenghetti Desert' in a moment.
RUSTY: Its a classic a classic.
BOB: Yes indeed, but we have here a terrific offer just for you.
RUSTY: Just for you... and you... but not you.
BOB: No not you.
RUSTY: We have a terrific offer of nothing else but a raincoat.
BOB: But its not just any raincoat.
RUSTY: Not just a raincoat.
BOB: No this rain coat incorporates the greatest raincoat technology since spandex.
RUSTY: Since spandex can ya believe it?
BOB: And you know how good that one was.
RUSTY: Indeed I do.
BOB: Rusty... tell us about the raincoat.
RUSTY: Right-o Bob. The special feature of this raincoat is that this raincoat is water resistant up to 99% humidity.
BOB: But I must add for all the brain dead in the audience that rain occurs at 100% humidity.
RUSTY: It does.
BOB: That sure puts a damper on our offer.
BOB: Another problem.... feature... feature with the raincoat is that if infact it comes in contact with water it will burst into flames.
RUSTY: Its true it happened to me.
RUSTY: I know darn.
BOB: It must hurt.
RUSTY: I'm actually in severe pain right now but you can't tell due to the product we were selling last week 'Loseyanerves' the special pill that doesn't leave you painless it just leaves you too sedated to care.
RUSTY: I need a new job.
BOB: Yes ya do. Anyway. This is not our only offer with the raincoat.
RUSTY: It isn't?!?!?
BOB: No there is infact an added bonus.
RUSTY: Theres an added bonus built right into this raincoat. Why don't you tell us about it Bob.
BOB: This rain coat.... it could save your life.
RUSTY: How Bob? Tell me how.
BOB: Ya know, if you're jumping out of an airplane.... which I know you do quite frequently Rusty.
RUSTY: All the time, its great.
BOB: Yeah I try to call you up on the teley and, no, always jumping out of an airplane.
RUSTY: I know its a disease.
BOB: And sometimes when a person is jumping out of an airplane, you need to make a water landing. Very dangerous.
RUSTY: Dangerous, difficult and once again painful.
BOB: But not anymore.
RUSTY: Not anymore? Do tell.
BOB: This raincoat will inflate.
RUSTY: Thats right folks, it will inflate. There are two straps here... not here or here... here. So when you're falling out of an airplane you can pull these and land safely in a lake. The only down side is when you land in the lake you will turn into a firey ball of death because you're coming in contact with water.
BOB: But don't let scare you away from the raincoat. The next 5,000 people who order will get a raincoat.
RUSTY: Now lets go to our model....
RUSTY and BOB: Janeen / Josie.
BOB: Did we get a new one?
RUSTY: Yes actually Josie was infact charred the last time we sold these beyond recognition...
RUSTY: So we have our new model Janeen or as he likes to be called off stage Bill and just see that it in real color. So lets go to our model Janeen and see how that looks.
*****(Janeen enters and models)*****
BOB: This raincoat has actually been rumored to slim its users... obviously Janeen is a first time user
*****(laughs Janeen flips Bob off then exits)*****
RUSTY: Shes a fiesty one. Anyway... we haven't mentioned this before but inflatable merchandice has infact become the latest fad amongst teens and pyromaniacs.
BOB: This is only the tip of the iceburg folks, all week our theme is inflatable merchandice. Tomorrow our special inflatable feature will be the Swindorf and Gomez Interior Shielded, Classical Fitted, Specially Designed, and Air Absorbing inflatable ball peen hammers.
RUSTY: Those are my favorite. But lets stay at the task on hand. Pornography.
RUSTY: Right. Pornographic raincoats.
BOB: No inflatable raincoats. You can tell whats on Rusty's mind right now right. Right now we have a message from one of our one statisfied customers.
RUSTY: Yes, we searched and searched and searched and finally found a satisfied customer. So lets see what our customer Bill has to say.
BILL: Ever since I was a little boy, I always knew I was really Mexican, even though I grew up in the Yukon and I never had any proof. Then one day I was crossing 42nd Street... I was in New York City because Canada doesn't even have 42 streets, and I went so far that I got to the desert. Then I heard these horses coming to me. And what do I do? I accidentally spit on my inflatable raincoat. So I turn into a firery ball of death. And then the horses arrived with three amigos on their backs. They came up and screamed "LOOK AT THE BURNING BUSH!!!" And they gallup away. Anyway one dropped his sombrero and it made my dream come true because since I was a little boy I always wanted to be Mexican but I never had any proof but now, now, now thanks to my inflatable raincoat I have proof.
BOB: I'm impressed aren't you Rusty? If this raincoat can make you feel that happy why not buy five or six for those friends of yours that work at Niagra Falls.
RUSTY: Tune in all this week for new and flammable inflatable merchandice. Now stay tuned for exciting, alluring conclusion of 'Edward the Rhinocerous and his travels through Sarenghetti Desert'. When last we left our hefty rhino, Edward was discovering with his little wambat pal Felix why cacti are not used in place toilet paper.
McBRIDE BROTHERS © 2000,2001 Meeker and Co. Productions