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transcribed: Nov. 4, 2000 by

***(teenager is sitting on a couch watching TV. His father enters carrying a small box)***

FATHER: Son, whats this? I found it hidden in your closet.

SON: (looks at box worriedly) Um.... the box, dad? Its some baseball cards, dad.

FATHER: Don't lie to me son (sits down beside boy)

SON: Okay, I can explain dad.

FATHER: I hope so. You would think that I had taught you better.

SON: You're not going to tell me that 'Heroin can make you turn into a giant moth' story again, are you? Cause its beginning to loose its believability.

FATHER: No son. You're too old for that now. What I want to know is WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH CRAPPY HEROIN?!?!?

SON: What?

FATHER: Yeah I snorted some of that stuff and it didn't ever make your mother look attractive. Ya know, I didn't even feel like putting on a thong and driving down to the gentleman's club...

SON: Thats disgusting dad!!

FATHER: And whats with these joints?!? First of all, Indoneisian sweat shop children could roll better and second the weed is less concentrated than Farrah Faucet at an art gallery.

SON: Dad are you okay?

FATHER: So I ask you, who are you getting this shit from?

SON: Um... from Timmy at school.

FATHER: OH SON!! Please tell me you're kidding. Have my investments in your education gone to complete waste? From the first day I brought you home I wanted you to be as smart as you could be and do the things that I could never do. What with the new cartels and all, you can buy drugs anywhere cheap. That just didn't happen in my day.

SON: Why are you so upset about Timmy?

FATHER: You can't get drugs worth crap from a guy named Timmy. You need to find the guys named Juan or Jose or Julio. A basic part of heroin education is knowing that the best stuff is grown out of the country and as a result it costs a little more but you want to have the best high as possible before you come crashing down into destitution... and about being high son; if you're high and theres a girl that you like... well you don't necesarily have to like her.. just a girl... well really it doesn't have to be a girl... I won't tell you how to live your life or what team to play on, but if theres a girl there while you're high you might as well at least ask her.

SON: Ask her what da... oh.

FATHER: Yeah thats right son. You're not worth waiting for.

SON: Dad, if it makes you feel any better I stole the money to buy the drugs from you.

FATHER: You tainted my money by buying this crap with it!!! My money has never bought anything worse, and believe me, I've bought a lot of crap!!

SON: So dad, is this all you wanted to tell me?

FATHER: No son, I found these condoms in your top sock drawer.



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