THE PERFECT DUO

THE PERFECT DUO
by Kyle Lowden

transcribed: Nov. 16, 2004 by hecubus303@yahoo.com

KYLE: Hi I’m Kyle Lowden.

NATHAN: And I’m just a guy.

KYLE: And we are two fifths of the enormously...

NATHAN: Internationally...

KYLE: Amazingly popular...

NATHAN: Sketch comedy troupe:

TOGETHER: The McBride Brothers.

KYLE: Through our many years of competing in speech competitions, we have noticed that there are similarities and parallels amongst the winners in both scripted and memorized duo.

NATHAN: Yes and due to our vast knowledge of winning duos, we have decided to sit down and using said
similarities, craft The Perfect Duo.

****

KYLE: Have you always wanted to find and perform a duo that soared above the all other competition?

NATHAN: Well look no further than “The Perfect Duo”

KYLE: By Kyle Lowden

****

KYLE: Nathan and myself have spent the better part of five minutes studying duos in speech competitions.

NATHAN: Yes, if not six minutes. Six whole minutes, none of this rounding up crap.

KYLE: And we have picked up seven details and similarities in the winning pieces that we will use to craft:

TOGETHER: THE PERFECT DUO!

KYLE: I think we should keep saying things together.

NATHAN: It will be effective in indicating importance.

KYLE: Naturally.

NATHAN: Anyway the first rule to the perfect duo is...'

TOGETHER: NO NEIL SIMON!!

NATHAN: Neil Simon, although a great...

KYLE: And beautiful

NATHAN: And beautiful man, is overdone.

KYLE: Neil Simon was cute in Middle School but now that everyone is a little older, hearing Prisoner of Second
Avenue for the 150th time, its not amusing.

NATHAN: Its even worse that in high school competitions, the duo teams that do Neil Simon pieces, are,
whats the word?

KYLE: Bad?

NATHAN: No.

KYLE: Mind-numbingly bad?

NATHAN: Thats it. They are mind-numbingly bad.

KYLE: Right now as a little side note we would like to inform anyone either currently or futuristically planning on performing the duo “Whos on First?” by Abbot and Costello, you might as well just leave the room right now.

NATHAN: Yes, this rule also goes for people performing “Postcards From the Edge” or that one about “...a basket of kisses...”. Just follow them out.

KYLE: Now that thats out of the way, lets get to number two.

NATHAN: The second rule is...

TOGETHER: MUST DISCUSS SUICIDE!!!

KYLE: Now it is a well known fact that everyone’s favorite duo piece is, yes, “Night Mother”.

NATHAN: That heart warming piece about a boy and his dog.

KYLE: Not a boy and his dog. This piece is about a mother and her daughter who eventually attempts suicide.

NATHAN: Right I was thinking of “My Dog Skip” I get the two confused.

KYLE: As I think we all do sometimes... Anyway it is well known that the discussion of suicide...

NATHAN: Or a boy and his dog...

KYLE: Or a boy and his dog... can pull at a room’s heart strings.

NATHAN: See you look pretty sad and pathetic right now.

KYLE: Let us show you

*(act out Night Mother-esque duo, with Kyle in a panic and Nathan monotone in a horror movie quality)*

NATHAN: Mother?

KYLE: Yes dear?

NATHAN: Mother, I’m going to kill myself.

KYLE: But Melanie, why? What have I done to you to make you want this?

NATHAN: Its not your fault mother, this is my destiny. Don’t try to stop me. Goodnight mother. (turns)

KYLE: NO! Please Melanie no! I’ll change (screams)

*(end scene)*

TOGETHER: Thank You.

KYLE: I thought it was good, you?

NATHAN: Oh yes. Now, the third rule

TOGETHER: MUST BE DURING THE HOLOCAUST!

KYLE: Yes the holocaust was a very horrible and disgusting period of time in the history of the world.

NATHAN: But on the bright side, authors everywhere have decided to exploit this period of time and the events
surrounding this period of time in order to guilt a judge into giving that duo team a higher score.

KYLE: Well obviously when we learned of this we were appalled...

NATHAN: ...that we didn’t think of it first.

KYLE: This technique should be used with caution and care.

NATHAN: It can only be done with special planning and preparation.

KYLE: The duo members must learn to use the infamous Pseudo-anglo-franco Russian accent. A term I have coined.

NATHAN: This is the same ones that duo teams do to pretend that they are Russian, German, Polish, or for that matter French.

KYLE: It is a very unique accent.

NATHAN: Yes. Heres an example.

*(begin scene, Holocaust and danger is afoot)*

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo franco accent) Oh Reka, they are coming for us.

NATHAN: (pseudo-anglo franco accent) Stay silent Torben! Or they will discover us.

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo franco accent) Oh Reka, I’m so cold.

NATHAN: (pseudo-anglo franco accent) Be patient, Torben, we will be out of this camp very soon.

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo franco accent) I remember when we used to go with Bernhard and Boris....AHH

NATHAN: (pseudo-anglo franco accent) NO! NO! PLEASE DON’T TAKE HIM!!!!!!!!! LET GO! LET GO!
TAKE ME!!!

*(end scene)*

TOGETHER: Thank you.

NATHAN: I was brilliant.

KYLE: Yes I was.

NATHAN: Now the fourth rule.

TOGETHER: DIVORCE

KYLE: Every duo needs conflict whether comedic or dramatic.

NATHAN: We realize that every Neil Simon piece is about divorce or russian accents, but he’s not the only one that uses it.

KYLE: Consider the winning piece “Riches”

NATHAN: Or don’t its no skin off our teeth.

KYLE: Anyway... this is the best and most successful form of conflict.To show you how effectively conflict works in duo let us demonstrate.

*(Nathan begins acting out scene, passionately, softly and in love, Kyle shouts TIME OUT and then talks
normally)*

NATHAN: Christina, I after all these years of marriage I love you more each day.

KYLE: TIME OUT! Do you see how he established that they have been with each other for a very long time? This is helpful in creating a greater conflict. All right go!

NATHAN: Todd... I want a divorce.

KYLE: TIME OUT! Do you see how she created conflict? And its a deeper conflict due to the previously established fact that they have been a couple for a long time. GO!

NATHAN: But why?

KYLE: TIME OUT! You see how he questioned the divorce? This creates a greater conflict still for had he just
agreed this would be a very uninteresting duo.

TOGETHER: Thank you!

KYLE: Well now that we’ve done the fourth rule I think it is only natural to tell you about the fifth.

NATHAN: Right the fifth rule:

TOGETHER: AUSTRALIAN ACCENTS!

KYLE: Through a series of scientific experiments done by our scientific team of Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth, it has been proven that just as everything is better on a Ritz, an Australian Accent makes everything funnier.

NATHAN: Don’t believe us? Take a listen.

*(begin scene, no accents, both sad)*

KYLE: Uh, Rusty, I don’t know how to say this but your mother died.

NATHAN: WHAT?!?

KYLE: She was bitten by a wild, rabid dog and died.

NATHAN: How could this have happened?

*(end scene)*

NATHAN: Now, listen to the same conversation as conversed by Australians.

*(begin scene, with Austrailian accents, Kyle happy, Nathan excited and happy)*

KYLE: ‘Ey Mate. Um, Rusty, your mum, she, uh, paid the tab, you know what I mean?

NATHAN: CRYKEE!!!! What the... its...CRYKEE?

KYLE: Some rabid dingo attacked her and ripped her limb from limb. It was actually kind of cool. I only meant for the dingo to scare her but it was a good show. FOX Television from America filmed it and it will be a reality television show this spring called "Don't Let the Dingo Eat Your Mum".

NATHAN: You want a Fosters?

KYLE: Thought you’d never ask.

*(end scene)*

TOGETHER: Thank you.

NATHAN: You see how its funnier by changing only the accents?

KYLE: So now it is time for number six.

NATHAN: The sixth rule is:

TOGETHER: ALCOHOLISM!

KYLE: It is very common knowledge that alcohol is one of the better vices used in duos especially in relationship to addictions. They never talk about my favorite addiction: authoring inane duos then giving them to unsuspecting high school duo teams who are too naive to realize I am not funny..

NATHAN: Anyway winning pieces such as “Penguin Blues” and “The Colorado Catechism” all are about alcohol as an addiction. So why should we do any less?

KYLE: And this is by far the easiest of the rules. All you have to do is inject the phrase “I’m an alcoholic” and it has been established to an acceptable point. Watch.

*(begin scene)*

KYLE: Hi, Simon.

NATHAN: I’m an alcoholic

*(end scene)*

TOGETHER: Thank you.

KYLE: Now I can tell that everyone is awaiting the final rule. So Simon, will you do the honors?

NATHAN: Certainly. The seventh and final rule:

TOGETHER: THE BIG THREE

KYLE: Yes there are three major factors that should be a part of a duo to make it perfect.

NATHAN: You need to compete in duo.

KYLE: Next, you need to have Kyle Lowden, the guy that wrote the “A.D.D. Channel” write the your duo piece.

NATHAN: DONE!

KYLE: The third is that you must be judged by someone from your own school or some coach that really likes you. If you don’t you’re kinda swimming up stream.

NATHAN: If you have not paid off the judge, Kyle can make no guarantees that this duo will win. We apologize,
but its up to you on that one.

KYLE: So now that we have discussed the seven major principles to the perfect duo, we will present the one and
only perfect speech duo...lets begin now.

*(begin PERFECT DUO scene)*

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) Hey, Reka, what you think all that gun fire and screaming about, huh?

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) Shhhh.... be very still Rusty, else they will find us.

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) What you mean, huh?

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) We are not allowed to be in the streets after dark anymore... for we are Jews.

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) Oh yeah, and whos gonna make us?

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) The German Army... the Nazis.

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) I don’t care if they are knotzies or bowsies no German can out drink a full-blooded Aussie.

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) Why must you joke at time like this?

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) No I mean its physically impossible! Austrailians are born with two livers.

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) Oh, you don’t realize how bad this situation is... I am a Jew.

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) And?

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) I’m an alcoholic!!!!

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) Me too...

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) I want a divorce.

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) Yeah all right.

KYLE:(pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) Thats it? You can’t say anything else?

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) Now, now, my little firecracker. This ain’t a Neil Simon piece.

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) You just do not understand. I am a Jew. You are a Jew and we will die.

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) Ahhh always the pessimist. Always look on the bright side of life.

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) I can’t go on like this. It is no use you are right. Why run? I will be
captured anyway like my mother, my father, my child will surely be captured.... I’m going to kill myself.

NATHAN: (Austrailian accent) Just have a Fosters: Australian for anti-depressant.

KYLE: (pseudo-anglo-franco russian accent) Goodbye Rusty.

NATHAN: (monotone) Night Mother.

*(end scene)*

TOGETHER: THANK YOU!!!

NATHAN: please visit http://themcbridebrothers.tripod.com for all of your inane duo needs.

KYLE: Warning! Results of duo may vary. Contact your speech coach to see if you should try the perfect duo.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE OR PERFORM 'THE PERFECT DUO' PLEASE SEND AN EMAIL TO mcbride_brothers@hotmail.com TO REQUEST WRITTEN CONSENT TO DO SO.

THANK YOU!