November 30, 2003 FLIGHT

November 30, 2003

"The Bernoulli Principle and Human Flight"

It's a bird! It's a plane! But why isn't it me?

Every time I travel in those flimsy, steel flying machines that transport millions of people each day, I feel cheap. From my first ride through the blue skies when I was young, I wanted to be out there. I wanted to be free. No propellers or wings. I wanted to fly.

Now, after years of study, personal experimentation and a fanatical jealousy, I have learned how to fly higher than an eagle.

Just to make things clear, don't go around flapping your arms up and down like a bat out of hell expecting just to lift off; as this only seems to work when one is on SERIOUS narcotics. However, begin your flight preparation by obtaining some baggy clothing, a stapler, a parachute (OPTIONAL but suggested if you would like to fly again) and 17 eagles. After everything is collected, make one of your not-so-close friends sky dive with the parachute. If he or she comes back alive, go ahead an use that parachute; otherwise you'll need a new one or EXTREMELY baggy clothing. You are now ready for the hardest part of the setup: preparing the eagles.

Make sure you have the strongest eagles around (HINT: look for eagles with bulging thighs and big beaks... for you know what they say about eagles with big beaks...right?) before you take them to an open meadow. Upon arrival at the "launch pad", prepare the baggy clothing to be worn and then after preparation begin the "wearing" of the baggy clothing. The next step, lie on the ground with the birds gathered closely around you. Then, take the stapler in hand and, one by one, staple the tip of each eagle's wing to the baggy clothing; making sure to properly evenly space them around your body (3-4 inches in between will work wonderfully).

At this point in time, I would like to address the fact that I recognize some of you might have moral problems with piercing an innocent bird's wing. But you have to face the facts: when it comes to eagles, it's either them or us. However, if you still are not comfortable harming a bird, I alternatively suggest the use of paperclips in place of staples. I would even go as far as to suggest glue. But I strongly urge you not to use duct tape, as it seems to offend the notorious eagle.

Now, with the attachments made, whether in a kind or cruel fashion, you are ready to fly.

It is important to be patient with these stubborn creatures; after all, would you be nice to someone who frequently drew attention to the fact that you were bald? I think not. Also you may wonder why it is essential that the bird of choice be eagles; why if you want to fly HIGHER than the eagle, you shouldn't use the highest flying bird of all time: the Ruppell's Griffon Vulture (which in 1973 ran into an airplane at 37,000 feet). Well, the answer is simple. Eagles have, for centuries, flaunted their incredible flying skills and even snuck into pop music. It is time for payback. Don't you want to rub it straight in those eagle faces when you are flying higher than them? And after all, this is not the "Simple Guide to Human Flight"; this is the "I-Am-Better-Than-You-Mr.-Bird-Beak-Face School of Flight".

Anyway, to activate the birds' flying mode, make a weird sound resembling a turkey making love to a miter saw. Then, after five minutes, your should be off to the skies. When you reach a cruising altitudeand have established a fairly quick pace (approximately 30 mph)thrust your momentum up and around to lie on top of your feathered friends. Next, with a swift sharp wiggle, break away from the staples (or paper clips or glue) and push off from the birds. Be sure to maintain a body angle of eleven degrees from horizontal to ensure that the wind will catch your baggy clothing and make you soar through the skies. In the few milliseconds where you are actually ascending, take a moment (frankly that is all you will have at your disposal) to look down and gloat to those poor eagles below you; rub it in their faces. Since they are now upside down, not to mention exhausted from flying your fat ass, your friends will quickly lose altitude as they flip over and regain their composure. But, you will be free. You will be flying. You may even find that you actually come to respect your clearly inferior feathered friends.

The fact remains, that for just a split second of eternity -- without a plane; without wings; without rocket shoes -- you will be higher than an eagle... actually, 17.

~Grant Boyd~

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