DRAG RACING

DRAG RACING

transcribed: Apr. 10, 2001 by hecubus303@yahoo.com

****(basic announcers booth)****

RICH THOMAS: Hello and welcome racing fans to todays drag racing event I'm Rich Thomas and with me as always former racing superstar Johnny Nozzle

JOHNNY NOZZLE: Hey how ya doin?

RICH THOMAS: Also with us as strickly a sight gag and a cheap laugh is Canterbury High School Biology Teacher Mr. King in wig. Now Johnny how has the racing changed since you retired last year?

JOHNNY NOZZLE: There haven't been any changes... except two major ones the first is the elimination of safety gear... no padding allowed which has actually increased the amusement level for women 21-56 who enjoy watching painful dismembering and concussions. The second change is the reduction from the 500 laps as it has been for fifty years and reduced it to three allowing the race to be shorter and the obiese to participate.

RICH THOMAS: Well that great so it appears the race is about to begin but first Johnny what are your predictions for todays drag racing event?

JOHNNY NOZZLE: I expect even though its a long shot to see some Gucci and some Versachi dresses on the drag racers out there this year and as always I plan on seeing an overwhelming amount of Mascara on those freaky men. In essence what I'm saying is I think its going to be spectacular.... I'm getting excited.

RICH THOMAS: Oh Johnny lets settle down now okay? Now, instead of going to a commercial break, since we have no sponsors we're going to have Mr. King com e around here and do a little jig for us. (Jig happens) Ah well that was as refreshing as a tall glass of lighter fluid and packing peanuts.

JOHNNY NOZZLE: It reminds me a lot of that month I spent with seven lepracauns in Turkish Prison... let me just say this... tiny hands (wink).

RICH THOMAS: I'm sorry Johnny we can hear more about that, and believe me I want to hear about it, on the post-game show. So lets go down to our own homo-erotic, gin and tonic Skippy McDougan. Skippy?

****(Cut to Skippy)****

SKIPPY McDOUGAN: Thanks Rich. You know every year there are drag racing heroes but none have been quite as heroic as the man I have here with me to my backside (wink at crowd; IJ steps out from behind). ...(side conversation with IJ) but we're gonna do it again after the race right? (IJ nods) Well the man I have here is Idaho Jenkins who will be racing in lane one. So Idaho, tell me, what are your feelings before todays drag racing event?

IDAHO JENKINS: Well I'm feeling confident that I can kick some raging queen tail today and I think I can finish the season with a win.

SKIPPY McDOUGAN: Do you have any worries today? About any of the competators? The conditions?

IDAHO JENKINS: Well none of the competators worry me at all. The thing I'm most worried about is the tightness of the thong I'm wearing... I wear a size 6 and you bought me a size 4.

SKIPPY McDOUGAN: You are such a diva. We'll talk about this at home. Anyway it should be an exciting race so back to you Rich and Johnny.

****(Cut back to RT and JN)****

RICH THOMAS: (RT and JN are making out) Umm..... yes well thank you Skippy although I wish it had been more in depth...

JOHNNY NOZZLE: ....and more lengthy

RICH THOMAS: We are about to begin so Mr. King will you do the honors?

DISTRACTION: On your mark.... get set.... DRAG!!!!!!!!!!!

RICH THOMAS: And they're off! And looks as if Kip Streaker #34 has taken the lead and in second is #67 traveling all the way from the Egypt to compete in the Louisiana of drag racing competitions that we are broadcasting here today, we have the biggest Egyptian comedian since Ramses, we have Hesat Palafidy.

JOHNNY NOZZLE: I actually had the honor of traveling to the Vegas strip where Hesat actually did his training and let me tell you... can he work it.... mmm mmm mmm (licks lips).

RICH THOMAS: I hate to interupt... do I ever.... but out of nowhere Idaho Jenkins has come into the picture. He is coming up slyly and taking them from behind.

JOHNNY NOZZLE: Yes, well thats no surprise to me. Skippy, who has studied hours and hours of Idaho's moves, has often told me that Idaho enjoys using this move as ofter as humanly possible.

RICH THOMAS: So now its #67 Hesat Palafidy, #1 Idaho Jenkins, and in third place #34 Kip Streaker. Now Jenkins is over taking Palafidy.... but wait it looks as though Idaho has collapsed on the course.

JOHNNY NOZZLE: It looks to me as if he has a pulled groin.

RICH THOMAS: They're always looking to pull a groin aren't they?

JOHNNY NOZZLE: Boy howdy.

RICH THOMAS: And it looks as if our own Skippy McDougan is pulling Idaho off the course for safety reasons.

JOHNNY NOZZLE: Always a go getter!

RICH THOMAS: So now it is down to Streaker and Palafidy. It's a tense race but the two of them look quite loose. What do you think?

JOHNNY NOZZLE: Yep.

RICH THOMAS: Now we're hitting the ten second mark. And it is close: Streaker a wiry 560 lbs. and Palafidy an obiese 23.5 lbs. and oh dear. Streaker is down he has tripped over his own pumps and Palafidy wins. Hesat Palafidy, all the way from Cairo, Egypt, has run and won todays drag raci ng spectacular. Lets go back down to Skippy McDougan to get an update on Idaho\rquote s condition. Skippy?

SKIPPY McDOUGAN: Yes I've just been with Idaho and he is in a lot of pain right now

RICH THOMAS: Skippy what exactly happened out there?

JOHNNY NOZZLE: Did he pull a groin?

SKIPPY McDOUGAN: Yes Johnny he did. It happened because the thong I bought him was too tight.

JOHNNY NOZZLE: Can we expect him to race in next weeks derby in Gary, IN?

SKIPPY McDOUGAN: Its too early to tell. I'm going to rub Indian oils and Tiger Balm on Idaho's groin area and hopefully he'll be up and at him pretty soon.

RICH THOMAS: So thats our drag race for today. Stay tuned for the post-race show where Johnny will tell us more about that Turkish Prison / Lepracaun story. For Johnny Nozzle I'm Rich Thomas and I was acquitted of all charges involving the Panda in the Vatican. Goodnight.