transcribed: Apr. 10, 2001 by email@example.com
****(basic announcers booth)****
RICH THOMAS: Hello and welcome racing fans to todays drag racing event I'm Rich Thomas and with me as always former racing superstar Johnny Nozzle
JOHNNY NOZZLE: Hey how ya doin?
RICH THOMAS: Also with us as strickly a sight gag and a cheap laugh is Canterbury High School Biology Teacher Mr. King in wig. Now Johnny how has the racing changed since you retired last year?
JOHNNY NOZZLE: There haven't been any changes... except two major ones the first is the elimination of safety gear... no padding allowed which has actually increased the amusement level for women 21-56 who enjoy watching painful dismembering and concussions. The second change is the reduction from the 500 laps as it has been for fifty years and reduced it to three allowing the race to be shorter and the obiese to participate.
RICH THOMAS: Well that great so it appears the race is about to begin but first Johnny what are your predictions for todays drag racing event?
JOHNNY NOZZLE: I expect even though its a long shot to see some Gucci and some Versachi dresses on the drag racers out there this year and as always I plan on seeing an overwhelming amount of Mascara on those fabulous men. In essence what I'm saying is I think its going to be spectacular....
RICH THOMAS:This truly is the most fantastic race of the entire racing season. Now, we present the Factors of High Fashion, presented by Liquid Fireball. Liquid Fireball - 50 years of combining lighter fluid, packing peanuts and gun powder into the smoothest sip this side of the Mississippi. Liquid Fireball, and SOS pad for your throat! Let's go now to Skip Sassafrass, our cub reporter on the sidelines for today's Factors of High Fashion.
****(Cut to Skippy)****
SKIP SASSAFRASS: Thanks Rich. I think today the factor in high fashion is: punching. Back to you, Rich.
RICH THOMAS: Is there any way for you to expand on that, Skip?
SKIP SASSAFRASS:(long pause) Nope.
RICH THOMAS:Nothing at all?
SKIP SASSAFRASS:Today's Factor in High Fashion is: punching. Bruises are in this season. Again, punching. High Fashion. A factor. Back to you.
RICH THOMAS: Great information, Skip.
JOHNNY NOZZLE: The two of you remind me a lot of that month I spent with seven lepracauns in an Eskimo prison... let me just say this... tiny hands.
RICH THOMAS: I have no idea how that relates, but you're a folksy former racer so I'll just pretend it makes sense.
JOHNNY NOZZLE: You don't like my Eskimo Prison stories? I thought you were Inuit.
RICH THOMAS:You know every year there are drag racing heroes but none have been quite as heroic as the man I have here with me to my backside: Idaho Jenkins. Who will miss today's race with an inverted groin. Idaho, thanks for joining us in the booth. What are your feelings before todays drag racing event?
IDAHO JENKINS: Well I'm feeling confident that if I was out there, I'd be kicking some drag queen tail. None of the competitors worry me at all. But the odds on favorite, Madonna with the Rocks, sould be worried about the tightness of his thong... I know for a fact he wears a size 6 and his normal gear was replaced with a size 4.
RICH THOMAS: That sounds like a lot of great information. And quite a bit of chafing for Madonna with the Rocks. It looks like the race is about to begin so let's go to the start line.
OFFICIAL: On your mark.... get set.... DRAG!!!!!!!!!!!
RICH THOMAS: And they're off! And looks as if Greased Frightening #34 has taken the lead and in second is #67 traveling all the way from the Bangkok to compete in the Louisiana of drag racing competitions that we are broadcasting here today, we have Powder Room Pat. And out of nowhere Madonna with the Rocks is coming up slyly and taking them from behind.
JOHNNY NOZZLE: Yes, well thats no surprise to me. I have studied hours and hours of Madonna's moves, and this is his signature move. I may be old school, but there's nothing I enjoy more than an athlete in peak condition fights back and approaches from the rear.
RICH THOMAS: So now its Powder Room Pat, Madonna with the Rocks, and in third place Greased Frightening. Now Madonna is creeping into the lead.... and oh no, Madonna has collapsed on the course.
JOHNNY NOZZLE:If there's one thing Johnny Nozzle knows, it's groins. And that is, quite clearly, something in the buttock region. Perhaps the butt groin.
RICH THOMAS:That doesn't sound medically sound, but that's never stopped us before.
JOHNNY NOZZLE: Boy howdy.
RICH THOMAS:So now it is down to Greased Frightening and Powder Room Pat who have each taken a commanding lead over the rest of the competition. It's a tense race and now we're hitting the ten second mark. And it is close: Greased Frightening a wiry 560 lbs. and Powder Room Pat... Oh dear down goes Greased Frightening. He has tripped over his own pumps and Powder Room Pat cruises to an easy victory. Lets go back down to Skip Sassafrass to get an update on Madonna with the Rock's condition. Skippy?
SKIP SASSAFRASS: Yes I've just been with Idaho and he is in a lot of pain right now.
RICH THOMAS: Skippy what exactly happened out there?
JOHNNY NOZZLE: Did he pull a groin?
SKIP SASSAFRASS: Yes Johnny he did. It happened in his butt groin.
RICH THOMAS:Skip, what happened to all the punching you promised earlier? out there?
SKIP SASSAFRASS: I saved it for you. In this season - bruises, specifically when my fist meets your face. Back to you. Run.
RICH THOMAS: So thats our drag race for today. Stay tuned for the post-race show where Johnny will tell us more about that Eskimo Prison and Skip will rearrange my jaw. For Johnny Nozzle I'm Rich Thomas and Johnny was acquitted of all charges involving the Panda in the Vatican. Goodnight.
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