DINNER LAYOFFS

LAYOFFS AT DINNER

transcribed: April 11, 2001

*****(dinner table with three boys, a father, and mother)*****

FATHER:Delicious.

MOTHER:Thank you.

CHILD 2:Thank you mom.

CHILD 1:Thanks, I guess.

FATHER:(glares at CHILD 1 for a minute, returns to eating) Is that... a subtle hint of basil?

MOTHER:Yes, basil and a squeeze of lemon.

FATHER:Ah, yes. I'm noticing the notes of citrus now.

CHILD 3:Lemon is my favorite.

CHILD 1:Not mine.

FATHER:(slams utensils down) Okay, I didn't want to do this now, but you've left me with no other choice. Brandon, your step-mother and I have come to a decision. I'm not sure exactly how to say this. Since your step-mother and I married, since our families merged, her sons and dog came to live with us. Resources being what they are, it now becomes financially illogical to not tighten our collective, familial belt. We need to make some minor cuts here and there, eliminate the duplication, trim the fat and let's face it the number of bear claws I've watched you eat over the years, you've got plenty of pudge to be picked at. You are this family's love handles and we need lipo. You understand don't you? We don't want to make these cuts, but, quite frankly we have two younger children doing your job better and for less money than you. Its something that comes with the territory. I'd like to say it's not a reflection of you but, I'd also like to say I won the lottery. So, Brandon, we're gonna have to let you go.

CHILD:(long, silent pause) ....Do I get a severance allowance?

FATHER: What does your contract say?

CHILD:I don't have one.

FATHER: Ohhh, well... I'm not sure there's much we can do. Perhaps a letter of recommendation is in the cards if this transition goes smoothly. Now eat up your rice and gather you things. You'll be escorted out of the house at 7:30 and the locks will be changed. (pause) And pass the salt.