transcribed: Jan. 9, 2003 by email@example.com
*****(no real setting for this one... just a monologue)*****
Erich Fromm once wrote "Death is never sweet, not even if it is suffered for the highest ideal." You know, its sad. Not many people decide what they want done with their bodies before they die. Then their poor families are left with the painful decision of what to do with the rotting, smelly carcus without the convenient option of flushing it down the toilet. Thats why I decided to ease the stress upon my future family.
Why has death become so taboo in this society of ours? Well I believe its because people are just getting lazy and getting less and less creative. Everyday, we see hundreds of people just going for the basic and dreadfully boring headstone and coffin method. They just don't think about how they would really want to spend the rest of eternity. Well, given that I strive to be different and that I am really working my comedy muse to death for these monologues, I have recently spent some time thinking about the after-life in order to ease the stress upon my eventual family. Now that I have come to a decision, I'll share what I have decided and why I am not alone. I am not the proud member of an elite group with a long and proud history.
Now eventhough I've been told "Everything's Happy Underground", I want to be cremated for the sole reason that I believe people would be completely freaked out when they discovered that I had multiplied into a billion little ashes. However, I don't want them poured into the ocean off a boat or off some Godless cliff. Thats not what I want at all. I want my ashes to be dumped into the fry machine at McDonalds. Yes t hats right. The fry machine at McDonalds. To be on millions of french fries and thousands of hashbrowns each day just sounds kinda cool. The concept is way too intruiging to pass up. Death be not proud... no... death be not tasty.
So you think I'm strange? Well believe me I'm not the first person to have this goal and accomplish it. Not at all. Many people like Liberace, Andy Kaufman, Freddie Mercury, the rest of the man that played "Thing" on the Adams Family, Richard Nixon, his Watergate documents, and his missing minutes of tape, Andy Gibb, former Presidents Chester A. Arhur, John Polk, and former presidential hopeful Gary Hart whos career died a long time ago, Strom Thurman... yes ladies and gentlemen Strom Thurman did infact die over three years ag o but he was replaced by a plastic spoon and nobody can tell the difference, and Marlon Brando... well he's not dead but the fat that they deep fry the fries in is the result of his bi-weekly liposuction sessions.
Then, for those of us who aren't dead yet there is a waiting list for people would like to appear on fries everywhere that I just signed up on. The list included people like general annoyance Jerry Mathers, rapper Ice-T, A.J. and Nick of the Backstreet Boys, Calista Flockheart, tennis great John McEnroe while his lifelong opponent Jimmy Connors has opted for the less popular Arby's fry machine in obvious hopes to continue their compitition even through death and tons of salt, Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro, the entire original cast of Mash... extras and Alan Alda's hair-piece included, and myself. We are all just visionaries with.... well... visions.
In conclusion, think about what you would like to do for the rest of eternity. Think of where you'd like to be. Take it very seriously and think carefully, if only just to ease such painful decisions for your family members once you are gone. Also, the next time you see a little black spot on a McDonalds fry, I'd think twice if I were you before eating because there really was enough of Chris Farley to go around.
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