THE A.D.D. CHANNEL
by Kyle Lowden and Nathan Smith
transcribed: Oct. 25, 2000 by email@example.com
1: Have you ever had one of those days were you couldn't really stay on one subject?
2: Yeah I was thinking about that the other day (CLICK) and I was shaving my cat a few days ago (CLICK) I was out there too long and the sun was just MURDER to my skin
1: Exactly. Well if you are one of those type of people there is a new channel designed specifically for you, the people whos minds wander like (CLICK) and the Cowboys take it to their own 32 (CLICK) preparing a large-mouthed bass can be a sensational experience (CLICK) and I am out here in the city talking to the woman who claims to be the arsonist (CLICK).
2: THE A.D.D. (attension deficite disorder) CHANNEL.
1: By Kyle Lowden and Nathan Smith (of the McBride Brothers sketch comedy troupe)
RUSTY: And I said to the Dr. I left those in my other pants.... Oh hi folks.
BOB: We'll be back to the movie of the week 'Edward the Rhinocerous and his travels through Sarenghetti Desert' in a moment.
RUSTY: Its a classic a classic.
BOB: Yes indeed, but we have here a terrific offer just for you.
RUSTY: Just for you... and you... but not you
BOB: No not you.
RUSTY: We have a terrific offer of nothing else but a raincoat.
BOB: But its not just any raincoat.
RUSTY: Not just a raincoat.
BOB: No this rain coat incorporates the greatest raincoat technology since spandex.
RUSTY: Since spandex can ya believe it?
BOB: And you know how good that one was.
RUSTY: Indeed I do.
BOB: Rusty... tell us about the raincoat.
RUSTY: Right-o Bob. The special feature of this raincoat is that this raincoat is water resistant up to 99% humidity.
BOB: But I must add for all the brain dead in the audience that rain occurs at 100% humidity.
RUSTY: It does.
BOB: That sure puts a damper on our offer. (BOTH LAUGH)
BOB: Another problem with the raincoat is that if infact it comes in contact with water it will burst into flames.
RUSTY: Its true it happened to me.
RUSTY: I know darn.
BOB: It must hurt.
RUSTY: I'm actually in severe pain right now but you can't tell due to the product we were selling last week 'Loseyanerves' the special pill that doesn't leave you painless it just leaves you too sedated to care.
RUSTY: I need a new job.
BOB: Yes ya do. Anyway. This is not our only offer with the raincoat.
RUSTY: It isn't?!?!?
BOB: No there is infact an added bonus.
RUSTY: Theres an added bonus built right into this raincoat. Why don't you tell us about it Bob.
BOB: This rain coat.... it could save your life
RUSTY: How Bob? Tell me how.
BOB: Ya know, if you're jumping out of an airplane.... which I know you do quite frequently Rusty.
RUSTY: All the time.
BOB: Yeah I try to talk to you and, no, always jumping out of an airplane.
RUSTY: I know its a disease.
BOB: And sometimes when a person is jumping out of an airplane, you need to make a water landing. Very dangerous
RUSTY: Dangerous, difficult and once again painful.
BOB: But not anymore.
RUSTY: Not anymore? Do tell.
BOB: This raincoat will inflate.
RUSTY: Thats right folks, it will inflate. There are two straps here... not here or here... here. So when you're falling out of an airplane you can pull these and land safely in a lake. The only down side is when you land in the lake you will turn into a firey ball of death because you're coming in contact with water.
BOB: But don't let scare you away from the raincoat. The next 5,000 people who order will get a raincoat.
RUSTY: Now lets go to our model....
RUSTY and BOB: Janeen / Josie.
BOB: Did we get a new one?
RUSTY: Yes actually Josie was infact charred the last time we sold these beyond recognition
RUSTY: So lets go to our new model............
CHILD 1: Daddy, read me a bedtime story!
WIFE: Honey, the oil light on the car has been on for the past week... is that a bad thing?
CHILD 2: Daddy... where do babies come from??
FATHER: (rubbing his head in pain) Oh this headache!!
ANNOUNCER: Has your life been a little too much lately.
FATHER: (looking up in air for the voice) Yeah its this headache.
ANNOUNCER: Then you need extra strength Rylenol pain reliever. Rylenol has been clinically tested on giant wambats to effectively relieve headache pain without irritating your pancreas.
FATHER: That sounds great.
ANNOUNCER: Extra strength Rylenol can help you get back to your normal, everyday responsibilities.
FATHER: (shows father with charts diagramming to Child 2 the miracle of birth... or reading story) Thanks Rylenol.
ANNOUNCER: Some side effects of Rylenol may include nausea, memory loss, dizzyness, headache, blurred vision, memory loss, paralysis, chronic hiccups, memory loss, hair loss, temporary or permanent loss of the ability to blink, dry mouth, hearing loss, memory loss, stroke, or spontaneous combustion. Rylenol is not for everyone. Children under the age of 12, adults over the age of 60, pregnant men or women, and firemen should not take Rylenol. Do not mix Rylenol with other medications, alcohol, carbonated beverages, water, soliva, stomach acids, or wheat products. Do not dissolve Rylenol in any household cleaners unless you have received a level three explosives clearence. Make your life normal again with extra strength Rylenol.
RICH THOMAS: Hello and welcome racing fans to todays event I'm Rich Thomas and with me as always former racer superfast Johnny Nozzle
JOHNNY NOZZLE: Hey how ya doin?
RICH THOMAS: Also with us as strickly a sight gag and a cheap laugh is rock and roll star Meatloaf in a diaper. Now Johnny how has the racing changed since your retired last year?
JOHNNY NOZZLE: There haven't been many changes except two major ones the first is the elimination of safety gear... no padding allowed which has actually increased the amusement level for women 21-56 who enjoy watching painful dismembering and concussions. The second change is the reduction from the 500 laps as it has been for fifty years and reduced it to three allowing the race to be shorter and the obiese to participate.
RICH THOMAS: Well that great so it appears the race is about to begin so lets go down to Skip Chasencatch who spoke to Johnny Fever from lane two but first do you have any predictions for this years drag racing event?
JOHNNY NOZZLE: I expect even though its a long shot to see some Gucci and some of Versache's dresses on the drag racers out there today and as always I plan on seeing an overwhelming amount of Mascara on those freaky men. In essence what I'm saying is.....
MAN: You know, it just starts with an innocent piece of bread with some mold on it, you don't even really mean to eat it it just happens.
ANNOUNCER: Over three million young people are addicted to fungi. Chances are that your child has been confronted by his or her peers and offered fungi.
MAN: Then eventually you're saving the leftover macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes and hiding them in the back of the fridge so mold can grow on them. If you don't get caught you work up the courage to buy some mushroom spores from Marcos down the block for $10.00 a dozen. Then I started going to the gym a lot, not because I wanted to work out, but so I could get athlete's foot from the locker room and then suck on my feet. Theres no question that you get mushrooms on your pizza but they aren't very satisfying. You need to have them raw. Finally it takes over your life, until you think that a mushroom cloud is something you inhale when you set a bunch on fire.
ANNOUNCER: 10,000 young people have died in the past year due to an addiction to fungi.
MAN: A bunch of guy and me had set up shop in an old abandonned bowling alley. One night the cops busted us. Everyone got away but (starts tearing up) Joey tried to rescue a stash of of moldy cream cheese and was shot 47 times.
ANNOUNCER: Have you talked to your kids about fungi? Just say no to fungi.
STAN POLLEY: Hello everybody, welcome back to "the RUPERT show" I'm Stan Polley for who the show is named. We're back with John Davis the Telopathic man. Now I must remind the audience inorder not to become as confused as I have become that John, being telepathic, may infact answer a question before its even asked so keep that in mind. Besides being telopathic, John has a very extensive collection of medieval arms and armor. Right now, he is displaying some of his rarer weapons. John this dagger is quite old is it not?
TELEPATHIC MAN: Yes thats true.
STAN POLLEY: In fact, it was once used by King George III.
TELEPATHIC MAN: What are you getting at?
STAN POLLEY: Have any other notable people used it?
TELEPATHIC MAN: I find that to be rather intrusive, but if thats the way you people do things...
STAN POLLEY: Just trying to make small talk. That is my job you know.
TELEPATHIC MAN: Thats fine, but I must remind you of our agreement that I have full censor rights.
STAN POLLEY: Well this is going nowhere quickly, so lets move on to the more hard hitting questions; the things the people really want to know.
TELEPATHIC MAN: Of course not.
STAN POLLEY: Have you ever expiremented with illegal drugs?
TELEPATHIC MAN: Coke.
STAN POLLEY: Whats your favorite soft-drink?
TELEPATHIC MAN: Sosa.
STAN POLLEY: Who do you think will be the homerun leader this season?
TELEPATHIC MAN: Big Mac's good, but not the appeal that it used to have.
STAN POLLEY: Do you like the Big Mac or Whopper?
TELEPATHIC MAN: Never thats revolting!
STAN POLLEY: Have you ever had any sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky?
TELEPATHIC MAN: Only the occasional cigar.
STAN POLLEY: Do you smoke?
TELEPATHIC MAN: All the time. It's great.
STAN POLLEY: Do you ever watch the Teletubbies TV show?
TELEPATHIC MAN: Well I don't do it often. Its a revolting habbit.
STAN POLLEY: What else do you smoke?
TELEPATHIC MAN: Mary Jane.
STAN POLLEY: Well I was going to ask you the name of your first girlfriend but the producers are choking themselves or doing some vocal massaging. I'm not sure. In anycase thank you for coming on the show John....
1: Final thought about today's sneak preview: Flesh eating stockbrokers...
2: The people that they harm.
1: Why do they insist upon knawing on my leg?
2: Why won't my toaster fly? Is it because I'm a French imbred of cycarian birth causing me to exit any room through the window.
1: Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?
2: These are the things I think about when I lie back and dream of my life if I had joined the Ice Capades.
1: Well thats all for today's sneak preview... tune in tomorrow when.....
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